My Mind In Words........

2008-03-27T21:13:00.000+08:00

2008-03-23T22:44:00.000+08:00

Guess what?

....

Finished.

2008-03-13T21:12:00.002+08:00

Alright, im aching all over.
Pain nt felt since some time.
I guessed i pushed my limit abit too far this time.

This pain makes me feel good though.
Although i wish it wld go away fast, so i can go back to training.

He said, take it as a challenge.
put ur heart and soul into it,
and u will get what u wan.
U must really make sure u really wan it though.

Going for job training tml.
Pain go away!

Its time to shift to high gear
but there's smth wrong with the gearbox.
There's smth soggy inside.
like wet tissue paper.
And its called emotions.
Difficult to clean though,
unless i go the the mechanic.
Which i was told to.

I dreamt abt u, u and u again.
esp u.
It was a good one though.
Sadly it was just a dream.
I wldnt say i want my dreams to come true though,
Cuz if that happens, it wld be catastrophe.
Except this one.
It was good while it lasted
But what happens next wasnt soo nice.

I shld stop dwelling in these stuffs.
As i stare at the blank wall,
i wonder what will happen next.
What i wan right now, is what i noe,
And what im not saying.

And once again,
im typing nonsence.

I was watching this documentary,
Stress reduces ur lifespan,
everyone noes that.
chocolates from the cocoa tree and red wine,
actually makes u live longer.
Having a positive outlook is very impt.
laugh more.
keep ur mind active,
inquisitive as a squirrel,
and will of an elephant.
Technically speaking,
be happy, and u live longer.
much longer.
I guess if this carries on for me,
i'd die early.
Not that i care,
My memory will pass pretty quicklyi believe.

Maybe i shld gorge on chocolates.
That might increase a few years,
or just make me a diabetic.

I noe what makes me happy.
take a look at my life
and u will know too.

He was saying i shld document my dreams,
or my life,
express every emotions i feel,
every thought i think,
in words,
or on screen.
and that wld be a major hit.

My dreams maybe,
but not my life.
there are many people out there,
who went through worst than me.
And wld give anything to be in my shoes.

99% in processes,
im lagging.

I wanna see the milky way...

2008-03-09T22:15:00.002+08:00

x: eh give up la
y: what? why?
x: u think can meh?
y: i dun think anything , i just want it to be yes
x: how?
y: i noe how la
x: dont u think ur killing urself by doing this
y: I am.
x: then?
y: too bad la.
x: haiz
y: dude, u noe how i feel right
x: i noe la, but u noe its nt right doing this to urself
y: ya, but i soo want this. its like do or die alr
x: i understand, but u dun hv brains ah, why untill like that?
y: u noe why, and u noe what will happen in the future.
x: give up laar...
y: no.
x: please?
y: no. u noe why.
x: then i shall see u at ur graveyard soon.
y: look at the brightside la, gt other outcomes all right
x: ok la, u see how.
y: im commited alr la.
x: ok la ok la, u tc then
y: u too.

Letter to myself

2008-03-09T13:18:00.005+08:00

Dear Pradeep,

Well well
WAKE UP PRADEEP!

**slaps**
I noe yesterday sucked,
BAD.
Stop brooding abt what has happened.
U noe what u hv to do to get what u wan.
Start NOW.
Yes, its true that u might nt have enough time.
BUT, so what!
if u keep thinking abt what will happen if u dun hv enough time then ur nvr gona start!
Do nt fear Pradeep.
kick that jello out of ur brain,
get it oiled,
and get it running smoothly again!
Go for it dude.
U are nothing now.
U are Nothing at all.
U know it.
U dun even hv anything to be proud abt,
Nth u hv to say u hv,
No achievements,
nth to be proud of.
No good qualities,
None beside u,
None who understands u well, (except me of course)
U expect too much from people la.
Ppl need their space too u noe.
U do stuff that hurt ppl.
IDiot.
Lets say whenu go for a job interview,
and they ask u what is good abt u,
u gt NTH to say!
U dun even noe what good u do.
U dont talk well aso,
Unlike ur dad,
Where's ur confidence?
Lost alr ah?
There are soooo many better ppl than u,
U can see for urself,
Ur nt good at even 1 thing!
What shit chance u stand, u tell me la.
Welcome to the world dude.
Ur useless!
Like totally useless!
Get up and get going dude,
NOW NOW NOW!
Dunno what to do?
me neither.
Go FIGURE!

from ur dear fren
Pradeep

P.S stop picking flowers and pulling their petals, -.- U noe it wont work, ur just killing them.

2008-03-09T00:03:00.001+08:00

I just wanna sleep.
And ban pink keychains.

2008-03-07T18:57:00.002+08:00

Was walking.
I looked up into the sky,
It was bright.
Except for 1 large rain cloud
which stood out like a blemish in the blue sky.
And i realized,
what u said what true.
Well for me at least.
U can put all ur frens in a row
and somehow,
even though how impossible it may seem,
pick out the one who u think is closest to u.
That person cld be the closest person to u,
never truly.
Cuz im considering the fact that,
no human, has the power to be truly the closest to any individual.

Why am i holding on?
:D
I know why.
I just wish pink key chains never exists.

2008-02-29T20:54:00.003+08:00

Yall dunno what happened.
How can u say such things?
Its nt only yall have feelings u noe.
The other one even worst.
One of those i love,
Always think b4 u talk.
Now u know who i really am.
U nvr expected it,
I dunno why i said it,
but i did,
Some stuff can only be said to some people i believe,
I realised i cant say everything even to this person,
well, only 1 person noes almost everything so far,
Interesting how a simple question can lead to so many things,
Today was a bad day,
Maybe cuz i was alr very affected by some stuff that happened,
the stuff that is above.
now its coming back,
Some ppl,
those who noe me,
see me as a blessing,
Some wld give anything to be me,
Some others may see me as a curse,
But i,
see myself as a mixture of both.
Leaving god out of the picture,
i can safely say,
none noe me more than myself.
More of a curse i think,
as i get locked up in my own thoughts,
i let my thoughts control me,
Not control my thoughts,
Well, my thoughts are what i am.
I guess i just dun take the effort,
What's the point?
So much has happened alr.
U are my blessing,
A blessing which the curse in me is fighting to make it one of its kind.
Which side is winning,
i dont know.
I just melt at the thought of u,
that i cldnt care who wins.
I said none will see me break,
Well i did,
quite a few times,
Even as my fingers chomp away at the keyboard,
but its nt easy,
its like a balloon losing air thru osmosis,
so difficult.
i wish u were here,
I really do.
I look like i dun care,
i wish i didnt,
why am i like that?
i dunno.
Its becoming more like a poem.
At least is my head.
I hate myself for doing this,
I really do,
I hate myself for hating myself too.
But too bad,
i love u.
Its fixed.
In me,
as i said today,
that i wldnt be here if something didnt happen.
the person guessed correctly,
where i wld be.
Nvr was i literally 1 feet away,
from breaking a promise,
At the breaking moment,
my heart was pulled back by 2 ropes,
one on either side.
They pulled hard,
lucky they didnt break.
As i continue typing,
my mind wanders and wonders,
what's becoming of me.
If only it wasnt soo 1 sided.

p.s the entry above speaks abt 3 diff events, regarding 3 diff people, But they are interconnected, so please, dun misintepret. better still, DON'T interpret.

I think i shldnt hv done what i did today

Hello emo blog

2008-02-26T14:14:00.003+08:00

Sensitive...
That's one word that may be used to describe me.
Well actually im not la.
Depends on the matter i guess.
There are few things that can affect me.
It hurts la...
but then loving has its own bliss.
like thorns on a rose plant, there is sweet dew drops on the way to keep u going.
I wish god spoke to me,
cuz i think he is the only other entity who understands what i am feeling.
Its nt that we can speak to each other telepathically.
Some emotions are soo intense, that mere words cannot describe.
And then there is fear abt consequences when smth is told.
Words though nt good for describing, it is still very powerfull,
What u say can affect ppl.
But then again, if u look at it the other way, u wld rather the person tell u, no matter what the effect.
Well, at least its the case for me.
I aint gona do what i did, what i shldnt hv done, what has caused this.
I guess it just goes so far for me.
People has gt their own fav stars.
i hv mine too.
none is to blame except me.
Im so stupid,
i am expecting too much.
I am very visual.
Ppl hv to tell me for me to know.
Actually i alr do,
But i wanna hear.
I guess it has always been like that.
It keeps coming back,
over and over again.
I dun wanna burden none.
shit.
this is not helping.
I guess promises made stopped me.
Im just looking for a small excuse to do it.
A tiny one wld do.
I apologise to everybody for troubles i caused.
Dont say no, i noe i did.
I want everybody around me to be happy.
Even if i dun make u happy,
I shld nvr make anyone sad.
No one deserves to be sad.
Live a happy life people.
Tell me if u hate me k?
I'll just go away.
Even though i try to hard, i think im useless to anybody.
damn.
I really really hope there is god up there.
If nt im really screwed.
I read a poem.
And i like this verse.

"Invisible tearsNo one can seeOnly my heart knowsThey live within me.... "

I wish all of u a very happy life.
If anyone were to read this,
dun worry,
its just one of my days.

Freaking emo

2008-02-15T23:08:00.004+08:00

How much more?

Imprisoned in my own mind, i fight to free myself.
Like an animal in captivity, i am a cursed gift.

Elvis Presley wrote it so beautifully in one of his hit songs.
A song to melt away with, for countless people like me.
In the darkness, resolutions are easily made.

But im left blind, thinking im ready, shut in my own cocoon, which looks so safe.
No armour is impenetrable, a harsh lesson taught to me.

As day arrives, at the very first whisper of the sun's rays,
Resolute crumbles, like a toppling pyramid of cards.

And im left naked, exposed and ashamed, i retreat to my safe,
the cocoon of resolute, which is no longer there.

I sink to the ground,
crumpled, scared and bleeding,
as i peek at the sun despising me.

I lay there, shivering, waiting for a ray of the sun to touch me, to lift me,
and i lay there, in vain.
The sun has preferences too, i realised.
And then i find myself caged, in my own thoughts, a prisoner in my mind.
The cocoon of resolute.
The cycle starts again.
Killing me bit by bit each time.

I know what will come next, ive been through it countless times,
But oh how persuasive the powers of the resolute cocoon can be,
how convincing.

I guess its time to dig deep down, forget about my resolutions, and just dig and dig and dig.
The sun has many to please.
And me out is one less.

Oh how it hurts,
the very thought of going under.
If thoughts could kill, i'd be dead.
I wish i was though.
I'll stop being a disgrace,
like a beggar in a posh city,
someone who could be done without.

Stop all pretence,
I was never wanted,
and i will never be.

I'd be here, fullfilling my purpose,
my responsibilities,
I can be found,
by those who are persistent enough.

One find day, when im done with my responsibilites.
i'd go out.
far away, at the end of the world,
there's a cliff.
As i stand on the edge leaning down, i bade the sun my final farewell as i let my legs go limp.

Have a great life my dear sun.
May you live happily ever after.

This is not a poem, i dunno what aso la. i dunno what i writing aso, dun take it too seriously. Just one of my days. read and forget k? :D

Back again

2008-02-06T22:24:00.001+08:00

Sigh....! its been soo long. I feel so right at home now. Change change change, how i hate change, or do i? I dunno la. Well projects are over, exams next. Next year is yr 3 alr, i guess the class will be seperating into the different specializations. Well i guess i should be kinda used to it by now, after all, we have been seperating since nursery or even play group.I guess the relationship grows together with age too.

Im going nuts i guess, its time to screech to a halt and settle myself. I did something today which i think is best ( note: think) . Ahya i dunno la, guess the talk with calvin triggered smth in me. Anyways, if ur reading this, all the best bro. ;D

OK la im off for today, bye byess.

2007-12-27T22:18:00.001+08:00

Shh...